Monday, January 11, 2010

Keeping Watch

I have been missing from Bloglandia, but I believe I'm back. I hope I'm back.

There have been so many times during the past year that I've wanted to hit the delete button on this little ol` blog o mine, but then I'm reminded of the wonderful friends I've made and how each of you has touched my heart in such a special way. Some of you have even become the dearest of friends and I can't imagine my life without you.

2009 was a difficult year, spiritually speaking, and while I wasn't keeping watch over my heart I allowed bitterness to take up residence and plant her ugly roots... my heart became hard. I found myself having the same conversation every morning with the Lord on my way to work and by the time I pulled into the parking lot I was either in tears or very very angry. Bitterness is one of the ugliest companions a girl can have and as much as I tried to shake her and toss her aside, like the ugly weed she is, it seemed she dug her roots in deeper and deeper.

And so I learned to live with her, as uncomfortable as her presence was. And she continued to tear at my heart until I thought there would be nothing redeemable left. I was becoming my former self. The person that I was before I met the Lord. Sad...alone...destitute...on the brink of total despair.

And I decided that things in my life needed to change. Mainly my work schedule. So I asked hubby several times if I could cut back my hours and he didn't give me the answer I was looking for until I told him what the answer should be..."yes Dear, you can cut back." And so I have and like a thick morning fog that lies over the land, then dissipates in the warmth of the noon day sun, I feel as if the heaviness has been lifted from my heart. Bitterness has been ripped from my heart and I am free to pursue different desires...follow after other yearnings.

And with each mornings sunrise I'm reminded of a day, years ago, when I found myself wandering through the High Sierra's with tears streaming down my cheeks, all the while wondering where was God in the midst of my chaos. Several minutes later I was in the general store face to face with the kindliest looking old man wearing a plaid hunting jacket and cap. I was searching for something and could feel him staring at me from behind so I turned to see who was there. He smiled with the gentlest smile. "It's a beautiful day today, wouldn't you agree?" Not knowing what to do I replied with a simple "yes." At that moment I felt as if he had looked deep within my heart and seen the sadness there. He again smiled and softly whispered, "I ordered it especially for you!" I turned away not knowing what to say and when I looked back he was gone.
My heart began to soften that day and each morning that I rise I feel it softening still. I think twenty-ten is starting out to be a good year.


ellen b. said...

So sorry for the heaviness you have experienced. I'm praying for you Cori G! I will ask the Holy Spirit to ask me how and what to pray for you...
Hey since you cut back on hours maybe we could get together for coffee or something...

Deborah said...

OOOoooo, enter The God Zone!!! Gave me goosebumpies Ms. Cori! I am so so so grateful you never deleted your blog for I would be lost without you. So very happy to hear you are feeling better after cutting back on work. I am a woman like that who longs to simply be a homemaker. It is so easy to lose ourselves and our goals and beliefs when we are spinning out of control from over-business. I need more quiet time in the garden, reflective time enjoying what I have. Oh Happy Day!!! Welcome back. **blows happy kisses** Deb

Sandy said...

I watched my Mom worked when I was a child and through adulthood. In the early years she said she was glad she worked as it was an education for her. But in the later years she spoke more negatively of it. I remember wishing she was home when I came home from school. I remember her being tired - too tired and too busy - to play with us. I wish I had done more for her. I spent my adult life working full time - we didn't have children. I'm glad I was able to contribute and help out. Now, I'm retired and love it. I must remind myself that I don't have to push and do something everyday. Hubby retired with me and he is very good about suggesting I take it easy. I'm glad that you feel better now that you have cut back your hours. As my hubby says we won't ever say that we wished me work longer before retiring. Take care of yourself.

Teacup Lane (Sandy)

Tara said...

Ah, gosh, don't you go anywhere! I enjoy your company and sometimes doesn't you blog just get you going again? Sometimes I think I just do not have time to pay attention to it as I should/could and then i get a kind comment that whatever I am sharing is just enough...and you should know you have some pals out here!

grey like snuffie said...

I hear glad you're finding release and freedom...I'm looking forward to that as well...this was encouraging to read.

Anonymous said...

oh Cori G.
I am you & you are me.
Except youre smarter.
I'll get there too-
I'm right behind you.

Glad the delete button is not option A.