Monday, January 11, 2010
I have been missing from Bloglandia, but I believe I'm back. I hope I'm back.
There have been so many times during the past year that I've wanted to hit the delete button on this little ol` blog o mine, but then I'm reminded of the wonderful friends I've made and how each of you has touched my heart in such a special way. Some of you have even become the dearest of friends and I can't imagine my life without you.
2009 was a difficult year, spiritually speaking, and while I wasn't keeping watch over my heart I allowed bitterness to take up residence and plant her ugly roots... my heart became hard. I found myself having the same conversation every morning with the Lord on my way to work and by the time I pulled into the parking lot I was either in tears or very very angry. Bitterness is one of the ugliest companions a girl can have and as much as I tried to shake her and toss her aside, like the ugly weed she is, it seemed she dug her roots in deeper and deeper.
And so I learned to live with her, as uncomfortable as her presence was. And she continued to tear at my heart until I thought there would be nothing redeemable left. I was becoming my former self. The person that I was before I met the Lord. Sad...alone...destitute...on the brink of total despair.
And I decided that things in my life needed to change. Mainly my work schedule. So I asked hubby several times if I could cut back my hours and he didn't give me the answer I was looking for until I told him what the answer should be..."yes Dear, you can cut back." And so I have and like a thick morning fog that lies over the land, then dissipates in the warmth of the noon day sun, I feel as if the heaviness has been lifted from my heart. Bitterness has been ripped from my heart and I am free to pursue different desires...follow after other yearnings.
And with each mornings sunrise I'm reminded of a day, years ago, when I found myself wandering through the High Sierra's with tears streaming down my cheeks, all the while wondering where was God in the midst of my chaos. Several minutes later I was in the general store face to face with the kindliest looking old man wearing a plaid hunting jacket and cap. I was searching for something and could feel him staring at me from behind so I turned to see who was there. He smiled with the gentlest smile. "It's a beautiful day today, wouldn't you agree?" Not knowing what to do I replied with a simple "yes." At that moment I felt as if he had looked deep within my heart and seen the sadness there. He again smiled and softly whispered, "I ordered it especially for you!" I turned away not knowing what to say and when I looked back he was gone.
My heart began to soften that day and each morning that I rise I feel it softening still. I think twenty-ten is starting out to be a good year.